What's a blog for?

Today I'm thinking about blogging. It has become a pastime of millions, many of them being SAHM (stay-at-home-moms) looking for a way to have a voice and connect with millions of others in the SAHM universe. Add me to the list, and you have millions plus one.

I'm trying to figure out why exactly I am keeping up this blog. The tag on the side says it is a blog "in which Cindy writes about stuff that crosses her mind." I am not like "Julie" in the movie "Julie and Julia" who created her blog with a purpose in mind. And then stuck with it.
The reality is that I can barely follow a single train of thought for more than 20 seconds, let alone do something, document it, and post it online, all while trying to make sure those decapitated animal crackers aren't permanently set into the couch cushions.

Part of the reason is because I want to use it as sort of a "log" of what's going on with me. I don't keep a diary or anything of the sort. Who uses paper and pens anymore? (Really, I am a sucker for a new double-spiral bound notebook and fine-tipped pen, even if I haven't used one in a long time.) More than that, every piece of paper in the house has had an attempt on its life by a toddler wanting to "color". I have a feeling a pretty notebook would meet its end very quickly, so I settle for left over legal pads.

Also, I have a baby book for Lizzie, but at this point, all of her "firsts" are scribbled in a small day planner, since I don't have the patience to dig out the pretty book and find a pretty pen and write a pretty caption for "5th tooth" and "says 'bubble'" and "first boo-boo" every time something happens. Having a blog allows me to make broad, sweeping generalizations (like "colors with chalk on driveway" and "demands to go outside by finding shoes and hurling them at any able-bodied adult") so in a few years I'll be able to look back and go, "oh, that's what she was doing at 14 months."

Blogging helps me process things sometimes. There have been a few times lately that I have had something on my heart or on my mind that I've felt the need to find the way to articulate. Writing at the computer has kind of always been my way of putting words to what's going on internally. I used to write e-mails. The sad thing is that I don't often write e-mails to specific people these days; I just write a generic, somewhat depersonalized, safe-for-the-general-unknown-internet-public monologue.

I also used to write "the next e-mail"--a weekly email that went out to over 100 people, mostly in the college age bracket, connected through COC and/or BWAB, or by my just happening to know you. It was a sort of newsletter, sort of encouraging memo, sort of announcement venue, sort of Cindy's-stream-of-consciousness-processing-through-life e-mail. I lost vision for that e-mail shortly after getting married and beginning to work full time. I'd been writing it for about 4 years, which is a fairly long time. Without a weekly place to send my thoughts, I lost my motivation to write for a while. Maybe blogging would give me a chance to share again. The truth of the matter is that when my heart is doing well, and I'm receiving life, I am motivated to open up and share life as well.

These days most often my blog updates are inspired by having a circle of friends found through the Company Girls at Home Sanctuary. I don't know how I stumbled upon this blog by Rachel Anne Ridge, but it has been rather transformational as it relates to my household, and to my blogging. Even though if you looked at my house right now, you would wonder whether I have ever taken any thing she's ever said to heart, it has been a pleasure to keep company with these women.

I follow a handful of blogs: One belongs to my mom (a soon-to-be published author), some belong to my friends, some belong to friends who make beautiful crafty things, some belong to my friends' parents, some belong to people who take amazing photographs, some belong to people who make amazing food (and also take amazing photographs of said food), some belong to people who are entertaining and take amazing photographs of amazing food. There are plenty of others, too, of course.

I just visited Alicia's Homemaking (via Home Sanctuary) and am amazed at someone in a similar circumstance (young married, with a young toddler, with a limited income, with a student husband, doing her best to show love and honor Jesus) blogging daily with a goal and purpose in each post. She does useful things with her blog, like she shows off cool things she found at thrift stores and makes pancakes for her student friends.

It makes me wonder whether this is a season in life when I should pursue writing (in any form, maybe online, maybe in the privacy of my personal Microsoft Word documents, maybe on pretty notebook paper). Or if I should turn off my computer's wireless connection for a month and see if I actually missed anything of great importance.

The reality is that if I am to write anything, I would have to write about what is important to me, or I would have no drive to write it at all. I would also have to have a sense that it was as important as anything else that I am responsible for doing - like caring for my family, maintaining the house, having a quiet time, and getting enough sleep. At this point, if I sit at the computer, I don't usually have much purpose to it. I sit down, lose track of time, and before I know it, I jump up, thinking, "Oh no! I totally forgot to ...." and feel pressure to do something I should have been doing while I sat and jabbered on.

If you are reading this, I have a question for you. What drew you to blogging? Do you have a purpose for your blog? If so, what is it? Did your blog or your writing have a defining moment?

pictures, just for fun

I'm using a post to dump some of the various pictures I've put in my signature on my WTE forum.



Here are "the kids" before Lizzie showed up.



When it all started....




This was when she was itty bitty.







And here she was still tiny, but not quite as tiny.


Look at her grow!



At Christmas time




six months old here




birth to 3 months



Liz 4 to 7 months



Liz 8 to 11 months



12 months old

Randoms 7.23.10

This will not be a well thought out blog entry today. Just letting you know on the front end.

Today started off nicely, though a little late. I guess that's because last night finished up nicely, though also a little late. But that's been the pattern, so a whole lot of late nights add up.

Yesterday we went to a consignment sale and bought more board books and a couple of pairs of toddler shoes. Lizzie soaked her only pair of shoes at the fountain on Wednesday; that's when I realized the girl needs another pair of shoes.

I've been reading "Square Foot Gardening" since picking it up at the library on Monday. I'm inspired to plant a garden next spring. I was actually inspired to plant one this spring, but with Sam up to his ears in homework before graduation, the last thing I needed to do was hound him to dig up a garden for me. We have a very shady back yard, so we'll have to eliminate some trees, which costs money, so that's a project for later. We'd also have to figure out how to keep the dog (who has destroyed my potted herb garden this spring) from digging up anything we planted. That means some kind of additional fence. So it's no small project.

Sam's resume is out to a bunch of places, and he did receive a call back within hours of submitting to one place it yesterday. Unfortunately they've been playing phone tag, so he might not get anywhere with it until next week.

I want a nap.

Last night's dinner turned out surprisingly well. Dinners usually work just fine so I don't typically get excited about them enough to tell about it, but this one was good. I had a package of 2 frozen Mahi Mahi fillets that I thawed overnight. I didn't do much with those except sprinkle them with a little seasoning and coat them with oil, then sent them out to the grill. We also had a fresh pineapple that I sliced and we grilled. Amazingly the pineapple has that citrus edge to it like lemon, which helps fish not taste fishy.
Along with that I sort of followed a recipe for pasta that has noodles (go figure!), wilted spinach, garlic, red pepper flakes, garbanzo beans (chick peas), and of all things, golden raisins (which I didn't have, so I substituted dried cherries), mixed together with a little salt and chicken stock. Anyway, the combination of all of it was delicious.

I'm pretty sure Lizzie says "Elmo" now. It sounds like "Ehmo". We have an Elmo toy, and at Sunday School there are a couple of Elmo books, and we've been invited to a birthday party that has an Elmo theme, so she sees Elmo pretty frequently, even if we don't watch much Sesame Street.

She loves when we sing and do the hand motions for "If You're Happy and You Know it" and "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "Only a Boy Named David". We can almost distract her entirely from having a fit just by starting to break into song. I know I shouldn't overuse it, but it sure comes in handy! It is also the only way for me to keep her still while changing her diaper. Here is Lizzie going "round and round and round and round and round and round and round".

Lizzie also has learned empathy to some extent. When the dog is outside and whining to come in, or if the cats are yowling about something, she will get a pouty look on her face, and start sounding like she's about to cry. It's kind of awful, because she knows they are "sad" and that makes her "sad", too. The last thing we want is for her to lose it just because the dog is whining.

On Wednesday for play group we went to the park where they have splashing fountains. It was a huge hit. We have to go back again!

We're in week 5 of Believing God, focusing on "Believing I Can Do All Things Through Christ". Is this what I need to hear, or what? My big takeaway from this week has so far been this variant of the definition for the word "minister": "waiter, one who serves food and drink". If there was ever a definition of the ministry of a mother, that is it! This gave me great encouragement in the context of: "He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant..." (2 Cor 3:6)

Even so, I was still having a mini-melt-down this afternoon between lunch and nap time, because of a mess in the kitchen. You'd think I could be a grown-up. Maybe if I could grasp better the grace lavished on me, I would let some of it spill over on those around me.

I should probably quit now while it's still quiet, and try to get something accomplished without my little Klingon. Maybe I'll clean a bathroom (or two!), or clear the kitchen table for the first time in weeks. It's a toss-up whether we will have chorizo/egg/potato burritos, or stir fry tofu/pork/mushrooms w/ rice for dinner.

Maybe tomorrow I'll hit one of the local farmer's markets. It would be an adventure, anyway.

Little Songbird

Lizzie sings...

Update on Liz, Life, and My Heart

Lizzie update, 13 months:

Lizzie has fallen in love. With the motorcycle. Every time she thinks of it, hears the word, sees a picture of one, or sees us go into the garage, she growls and points to the garage, and then signs "more" because she wants us to take her to look at it again. Yesterday morning Sam was on the computer at the table while we were eating breakfast. He followed a link to a video where there was a motorcycle, and all of a sudden we had to watch "more" motorcycles, or there was going to be a heartbroken toddler in her high chair.

Yesterday, Lizzie learned to say the word "apple." It surprised me entirely, because I haven't tried to teach it to her. I was giving her some apple juice, and the next thing I know, she was saying what sounded like "abba" or "abbo." So then of course I gave her an apple, and we read a book that had an apple on the cover, and we showed off this skill over and over again. It's not a fluke - she says it consistently now.

This brings her word count up to 5, plus growls and grunts.
Mama, oon (balloon), k'k (kick), Dada, moo (cow; except it's more like raspberries followed by 'oo'), and various sounds for things that make noises: "who who" for sirens or a train, also for owls, "ow" for meow, "broo" for the elephant trumpet, and "hrrr" for dogs barking, vehicles rumbling, lions, bears, or anything that growls.
She signs "more" and "all done" and "change" (when I ask her if we need to change her diaper), round and round (fan, wheels, anything that turns or spins), and up. And of course, she points and gestures and whines. Nods "yes" with her whole body when we ask her something that she wants.
She also blows kisses, runs, twirls in circles, sways when she hears music, claps, and laughs (almost) on command. She puts her hands up when we say "Praise the Lord!" She can find and retrieve things if I ask her to (e.g., Go bring me your drink; it's by the piano.). She throws tantrums when she is very tired and can't communicate what she wants or just doesn't like what's happening at the moment.
Her 9th tooth popped through yesterday. Yesterday was apparently a really big day. Last night was the first night in about a week that I put her to bed without Ibuprofen drops.

In all, Lizzie is a joy and a very smart little girl. Today we went to play group at the mall, where we watched The Veggie Tales Movie (about the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything) during their free showing, then played in the play area, and ate at the food court. It was a very eventful day, and even after being home for a little over an hour, Lizzie is still unwinding. I am hoping she will eventually fall asleep, since she's been in her bed, clapping and chattering to herself for about 45 minutes.

I would have some more recent photos here, to try to break up the huge blocks of text, but I have lost the camera's battery. I'm praying it turns up soon, and not chewed up by a teething toddler.

Life, etc.

After talking with a few friends a couple of weeks ago, I got turned on to more serious couponing. I have always tried to be as efficient as I can, and take advantage of what looks good, but haven't been that consistent. Steph and Amy referred me to SouthernSavers.com where I have been finding some fun deals. However, I did go to Kroger twice this week already, and spent $85 the first time and $60 the second time, and then went to H-mart and spent another $31. But I am reminding myself that this is for groceries for the next 2 weeks, and it included some things like diapers and paper towels--those add up. I shouldn't have to buy anything except for more milk and probably some more tortillas until almost August. I also did save about $50 in coupons and sales, so I think it's OK.

That being said, I have a whole menu plan for the next 2 weeks:
Monday: Rotisserie chicken, salad, bread
Tuesday: Chicken enchiladas, fruit
Wednesday: Steak salad, bread
Thursday: Hamburgers, cole slaw
Friday: Chicken Divan, bread
Saturday: Hot dogs, corn casserole
Sunday: Beans & rice & meat, fruit
Monday: Chicken sandwiches, veggies
Tuesday: Scalloped Potatoes w/ ham, veggies
Wednesday: Arroz con pollo, fruit
Thursday: Mahi mahi, veggies, pasta
Friday: Shepherds Pie, veggies
Saturday: Stir fry w/ tofu, meat, veggies
Sunday: Spaghetti, veggies

If I were really smart, I'd double and freeze some of these things for other times. But I'm not that smart. Maybe next time. We also have stuff for sandwiches, mac & cheese, and other odds and ends for lunches and breakfasts.

Sam is still looking for work. We have gotten a couple of leads from friends, and we're praying that something comes up. Something good. Something close. Something that gives us insurance. Something that gives Sam a sense of having a purposeful career.

If nothing comes up, I'll have to start looking for work, and Sam can be a stay at home dad.

The heart.

It hasn't been a super easy week. I've been exasperated, short-tempered, snappy, mean, overwhelmed, and generally miserable. This did not serve to make the house peaceful. I should probably just leave it at that, lest I complain. But don't worry, I'm better now.

For several days I had a terrible pattern of being awake way too late, and then in the morning being awakened by Lizzie's voice (sometimes cheerful, sometimes not so much). This meant that I "didn't have time" for a quiet time. That of course started those days with me in a bad mood, thinking about how behind I already was, and how I would never be able to make up for it. And I dug myself deeper into the pit of despair when instead of honestly asking for help, I whined to Sam about how unfair it was that I had to do "everything," and implied in every way possible that it was somehow all his fault that things weren't going my way. Interestingly, that is not the way to encourage someone else jump in cheerfully to lend a hand; rather, they're more likely to avoid you so as not to hear more venomous complaints. Trust me on this.

This is on the heels of reading through the entire book of "Practicing the Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence, and watching an awesome message from Beth Moore in our Believing God study on Sunday afternoon. In retrospect, it seems like the viciousness of the feelings I was having were a direct attack of the enemy--trying to steal any seeds of truth from actually penetrating my heart in a way that would wake me from my spiritual stupor. As the recently popular song says, "I don't want to be sleeping while the battle is raging."

Yesterday on my way to and from Kroger and the H-mart, I popped in the cd of the message from Sunday, about the way that God meets our needs when we ask, seek, and knock. He knows where we are, and wants us to need Him and wants us to ask when we need Him. Why do we have needs? So he can meet us in our needs. Why can I not do everything on my own? Because I need Him to be my strength and my wisdom.

This morning I was able to break out of the downward spiral by getting up (even after we didn't go to bed until after midnight) and having my quiet time. I got up before 7, which never happens. And I made breakfast, voluntarily, for all 3 of us, and was cheerful. And Lizzie and I went out, and I sang along with the radio. And I didn't complain to my friends about how awful my lot is right now. Because it is not awful. It is just part of my process.

I am not who I've been convincing myself that I am. I am who God says I am. 2nd Corinthians 3 says that I am "competent" as a "minister" by the Spirit, not the letter of the law. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. Based on the meaning of those words, I am also "sufficiently equipped" to be a "waiter, serving food and drink" by the Spirit of God. I don't know what that might do for anyone else, but I think that just changed my whole perspective as of today. Most days I feel like that's all I am: a waiter, serving food and drink, constantly. And I don't even get tips. But if I am able to do so with the help of the Holy Spirit, then I have the opportunity to serve in faith, and produce life.

I want to have the perspective that goes beyond just the next 15 minutes, and into the next 15 years. Lord willing, into the next 15 generations. Simply doing something because it has to be done has no element of faith nor any enduring value. But doing it in faith, in love, in expectant hope, as unto God, it has the potential to affect more than just the here and now.

Freely

Someone asked how the Believing God study was going. It's going really well. We are in week 3, and have so far taken about 5 weeks to get there, but once we meet again on Sunday, we'll be going straight through August without any more breaks.

The premise is that we sell ourselves short in our Christian walks because we have "believed in God" but don't go the next step to "believe God" in an active way. There's more to walking in faith than knowing that God is out there, and actually expecting to see Him involved in a big way in our own, real lives.

We are given a 5-statement pledge of faith, which really seem to be core issues of whether we believe God in our daily lives or not:
1 - God is who He says He is
2 - God can do what He says He can do
3 - I am who God says I am
4 - I can do all things through Christ
5 - God's word is alive and active in me
If you are met with a challenge of belief, it's pretty likely you can match one of those with the issue at hand and decide whether to believe what God says or the lie that you've been fed.

Through the study we are given the assignment to read through Romans 4 a total of 20 times within the 10 weeks. It shouldn't be too hard, considering it's only 25 verses, and it's all pretty familiar. I wrote a list of 20 blanks on a scrap of paper so I could date each time I read it for 20 times. I've made it to 4 today.

But while I was reading, I decided to go backwards a little ways to read more of the context, and I tracked back to Romans 3. One of the underlined verses is 23: "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Very true. But in the context, it is more than a commentary on sin, it is a commentary on the grace of God. Look:

^"22This righteousness [apart from the law] from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, ²³for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, ²⁴and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." (NIV)

There is no difference: all who believe are justified from their sins freely by his grace. We have equal opportunity sin and equal opportunity grace. Praise Jesus!

Praise the Lord. Really?

It's been a crummy day so far.
Not enough sleep.
Whiny, tired, teething, feverish baby.
Bored, tired, grumpy, demotivated, unemployed husband.
Messy house.
No really good-sounding options for dinner.
Too many bills.

The morning started off promising, though. I got up at 7:30 to let the dog drink out of the toilet for (I promise) 3 minutes straight. Since I was awake anyway, I got up and got coffee and had a quiet time, doing my Bible study homework. I love that.

During my quiet time, it rained a downpour for about 15 minutes; it sounded like biblical flood-like pouring. It's been dry since then, and kind of cloudy, so the house hasn't gotten as hot as it has on other days. I love that.

Then I had almost 2 hours before the cute one got up. I love that, too.

And then the cranky baby's teeth started hurting, and she stopped being cheerful, and only wanted to nurse, and only wanted my undivided attention, and only wanted to be held, and only wanted to feed herself without any of my help, and only wanted to be miserable. Not a big fan of that.

And then it got to be lunch time. And after lunch time. And way past lunch time. And still the cranky baby wouldn't nap. And tired, dehydrated, hungry cranky mommy goes into "huffy silent mode" in which no words are spoken, but everything else is done too loudly, in an attempt to get demotivated husband to stop playing video games and help. No one is a fan of any of that.

The kid finally goes to bed, so faint and starving mommy can eat lunch. And record all the bills that are due. And wonder how we can pay them. And find a rebate check from the credit card dividends! Praise the Lord, that will cover almost the phone/internet and the water bills!

Depressed husband comes out and says the only non-career-path job he's considering would only be part time, and would pay about the same as the unemployment benefits that are not enough for us anyway. And says maybe he'll never get to work in the field he wants to. Not a big fan of that, either.

And baby wakes up, squealing at the cat, and dinner is not even started. And tired, stressed out mom wonders if we'll make it between now and bedtime.

And what did I read this morning, when the day started off so nicely?

⁸ The LORD is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and rich in love.

⁹ The LORD is good to all;
he has compassion on all he has made.

¹⁰ All you have made will praise you, O LORD;
your saints will extol you.

¹¹ They will tell of the glory of your kingdom
and speak of your might,

¹² so that all men may know of your mighty acts
and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.

¹³ Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures through all generations.
The LORD is faithful to all his promises
and loving toward all he has made.

¹⁴ The LORD upholds all those who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.

¹⁵ The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper time.

¹⁶ You open your hand
and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

¹⁷ The LORD is righteous in all his ways
and loving toward all he has made.

¹⁸ The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.

¹⁹ He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.

(Psalm 145, NIV, emphasis mine)

How can I not be thankful for a God who not only knows where we are, but cares? How can I stay in an ugly funk like this all day, instead of praising the Lord? How can I forget so quickly that he "lifts up all who are bowed down"?

Praise the Lord!