Vulnerability, briefly

We did not go to our home group meeting tonight. We normally try to. It's a little tricky with a toddler who hasn't learned to survive in another room without direct view of Mommy. We end up dividing and conquering: one parent stays in the group discussion, and one parent stays in the play room. One day it will change. One day I'll be able to follow a train of thought. Right?

Our home group (or small group, care group, life group, cell group, study group... whatever you want to call the collection of people from church who meet in a home in the middle of the week for prayer, discussion and fellowship--and usually light snacks) is a wonderful blessing. There is nothing like it to make you feel more like you are part of a family in a church. Even when nothing ground breaking or profound is revealed or accomplished, our being together somehow strengthened one another. We pray about what is going on in our lives. We share what God is doing with us, what He's saying to our hearts, where He's pointing out the places we need our selfishness to die so His grace has room to live.

There is a level of accountability in meeting regularly with believers.

Accountability is something I have trouble with. I don't usually have trouble sharing where I have trouble. That's not hard for me. It's close to complaining. It's actually close to admitting defeat. "Oh, I can't. I'm a terrible person. Maybe next time I can do better."

Honesty is not hard for me.

I can tell you what I have had trouble with. I can tell you all the things I am afraid of. I can tell you where I struggle, where I am not measuring up, where I have felt conviction, and even whether I have responded or not. Accountability is easy when I set the bar really low. I've already decided what I would tell you, where I will let you in, how much of my shield I will let you think you have seen behind. It keeps me safe, and sets up the facade of being "real" and personal.

Now, what is hard for me is vulnerability.

Being vulnerable is letting you in on my process. The process is not defined, clear cut, or neat. The process is actually raw and messy. It hurts. It is the unknown.

The process requires faith. And my faith, while real, is not always stellar. Because sometimes I am afraid that what I'll see when I start opening up is really something hideously selfish. Something pitifully faithless. Deceitfully immature.

And sometimes the vulnerability that is necessary for real accountability has nothing to do with faithlessness, but hopefulness. And hope can be something frightening to share. Because hope sometimes seems so precious and beautiful, almost so exquisite that it is fragile. Attempting to express it sometimes turns a delicate orchid into what looks a Play-Doh replica. And hopes, dreams, callings, goals, all have great potential - to soar or to plummet.

So recently as I have considered this in my heart, accountability is not to me something about saying "I failed at this and that," rather it is about growing, attempting, and setting forth, and inviting you in to my process, in faith.

(I'm linking to Steady Mom's 30-minute Blog Challenge. I think I may have slid over the time limit last time, because I kept getting interrupted and had to compensate for it. R-i-g-h-t.)

Kitchens, Plastic and Real

This weekend we hit one of our favorite subdivision yard sale extravaganzas. If we had any particular goal in mind, it was to buy Lizzie a kitchen play set. And a baby monitor, since our video monitor took a dive off a bookshelf and didn't survive. No luck on the monitor.

However, we had success, and found a large kitchen set in great condition, with a ton of dishes, for $25!

Now a colorful plastic "Country Kitchen" is in the dining room, in view of the real kitchen.

Liz is in love. She pretends to microwave a cup, pushing the buttons, closing the door, pushing the buttons again, removing the cup, then pretending to drink out of it. Then she giggles. And we giggle. Watching her pretend play is amazing. Her imitations are exaggerated, and almost exact. That girl wants to be just like me.

Humbling thought.

At least both kitchens are clean. I know they're clean, because I used Clorox wipes on them. The real one and the plastic one. Now I have two kitchens to pick up before bed every night. Or at least more dishes to put where they belong. I may have to implement a chore for Lizzie after dinner.

Recently I did a complete ceiling-to-floor cleaning of the kitchen. The last time I did that was during my 2nd trimester, and I have a 16-month-old child. The Clorox wipes are as close as it has gotten to thoroughly clean in a long time. If I had absolutely no pride, I would have taken "before" and "after" photos, but I only took one "after" photo of what I'm the most pleased with.

You know how those odd cooking staples like oil, vinegar, and all the things that get too close to the stove somehow have a film of grease, then the countertop gets all gunky, and so does anything that touches the gunky countertop?

And you know that one huge platter you have that you only use for Thanksgiving? The one that takes up half a cupboard?

Well, I repurposed the platter, and gave all the bottles a place to live. Isn't it pretty? It makes me happy.


Back to this weekend. To make room for the new kitchen set, I cleared the dining room table and took out a leaf. This means we have a clean dining room, too. It means we can eat without pushing papers and crayons and contact lens cases and batteries and scissors and power tools to the far end in order to find a place to set our plates.

The office is taking shape. There are no more papers on the floor. We vacuumed it. Yes, that's a big deal around here. Why, yes, we don't have company over very often. Why do you ask?

L's closet has only clothes in it that she can grow into. All her smaller clothes are in the attic. Next I will go through her toys. Slowly but surely I am making my way through the house. One day it will be clean; maybe even free of excess clutter.

Not free of clutter. Free of excess clutter. And I can live with that.

What project are you working on, what result are you happy with, or what do you hope to accomplish this month?

I'm linking up with the Moms' 30 Minute Blog Challenge at Steady Mom's blog today. I love the concept, and could stand to do this more than only on Tuesdays!